Exploring Laurie Puhn’s Latest Book, Fight Less, Love More

In Laurie Puhn’s latest book, Fight Less, Love More: 5-Minute Conversations to Change Your Relationship Without Blowing Up or Giving In, Laurie teaches habits that can help couples turn around rocky relationships using brief, meaningful conversation.

Laurie has spent her career perfecting the art of mediation, which she tuned into during her time at Harvard Law School, after receiving her bachelor’s degree at Harvard University. Laurie grew up in Great Neck, NY, and was very involved in her community, at one point earning the Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Award from the Nassau County Commission on Human Rights. Through community involvement, “My eyes were opened to the power of media and the power of writing and speaking, how to influence people through communication. It awakened me to what I could do to positively impact people’s lives,” she says.

Cultivating her passion at a young age, Laurie learned she could work with people to help resolve their disputes through the field of mediation. She also learned how often people put their feet in their mouths. “People want to settle a legal dispute outside of the courtroom and everything could be going well, when all of a sudden someone says something disrespectful. Those two-second comments could turn a whole conversation downhill, but also could turn the conversation uphill.” Laurie calls these “communication blunders” and “communication wonders” when she refers to them in her first book, Instant Persuasion, published in 2005.

Following her days practicing at a law firm, Laurie now works in private practice teaching conflict resolution and relationship management skills. Her experience led to the realization that problems typically arose from communication issues. Fight Less, Love More evolved from what she was teaching her clients: simple five-minute conversations that deal with the common problems couples encounter, such as “lack of intimacy, neglect, lack of appreciation, to being a technophile where that is interfering, to having repetitive fights … and these are skills taken from the field of mediation and applied to relationships,” she says. “People implement these five-minute conversations and within a week, they have results.”

Everybody hears the advice that “You need to appreciate your partner,” Laurie says. Simple things such as saying, ‘Thank you for picking up the pizza on your way home,’ go a long way. You can argue that your partner benefited from the pizza as well, so why should he/she be thanked? This is what Laurie refers to as a “relationship madness.” She recognizes that natural human instinct is to ignore things that are good and critique those aspects that are negative (i.e. “You were late coming home because you were picking up the pizza”). It seems like a minute detail, but little moments of that lack of appreciation add up to much bigger issues. She explores this and other forms of “relationship madness,” as well as how to avoid them, in Fight Less, Love More.

Another small habit that goes a long way is a simple “good morning,” “good night,” and “I love you because …” and giving warm and loving compliments. When couples don’t hear considerate words, they’re much more likely to consider ending their relationship. “We are each other’s # 1 cheerleader,” Laurie says, “and if we’re not, it’s very likely someone else is going to fill that role in your mate’s life. Cheating happens to good people and the only way to prevent it is to make sure your relationship is happy.”

Laurie is noticing a new trend in a cause for relationship problems: technology. In this day, we are too connected to the world, which can cause us to lose connections with the people we care about. “Here’s a way to test yourself,” Laurie says. “Give yourself one hour of one night of no technology usage. No TV, no Internet, no computer, no Gameboy, no cell phone. If you and your family are bored out of your minds, you’ve got a problem; you’re not connecting well enough. Look at each other instead of a screen.”

And while it’s always ultimately up to the couple to decide when it’s time to walk away, Laurie says, “I have seen people on the brink of the end turn it all around, so I know it’s possible at any stage. I will always tell my clients [that] I’ve seen worse recover, so it’s up to you putting in some time and being willing to make changes. And these might be changes you don’t like. You don’t have to like it; you just have to do it.”

The biggest relationship myth? Love is unconditional. “Love has to be kept alive,” Laurie says, “and it’s kept alive by our choices and our words every single day, and that’s why love is conditional. Relationships take wisdom and energy and commitment to making good choices every day.”

The advice in Fight Less, Love More can be applied not only to relationships with our partners, but relationships with family, friends and coworkers as well. “I think in our world the biggest thing that’s happening now is we’re really busy and we rush through things and we multitask everything. You can’t multitask a person. When you’re on the phone and typing emails constantly, don’t fool yourself. It says, ‘I don’t really care about you; you don’t have my full attention.’ But every time you take the time to give someone your full attention, you build such a strong connection of respect and appreciation that when you need that person for something – a promotion, babysitting your kids, a project – they’re going to say yes.”

Fight Less, Love More is not a book of therapy. It’s about addressing human instincts and the fact that we all make mistakes. Laurie teaches her readers skills they don’t learn in school and shows them the consequences of utilizing these skills or not.

“The best couples can do is use Fight Less, Love More to empower themselves with skills and the confidence and hope to use them. A lasting love means using your mind and your heart,” Laurie says.

Fight Less, Love More hits shelves in October of this year. For speaking appearances and book tours, visit Laurie’s website at http://www.lauriepuhn.com.